My Name Is Jonas

Do you see me,
the way
I see me?
I hope not.

Missed the Boat

"I have written down all the reasons why I am leaving, though I am overcome with a sad strength for the world because I have not spoken to anyone all day. My resignation to being alone is a sea under which I can breathe."
-Snow Falls And Then Disappears-
The Secret Lives of People in Love

Looking Back On It All

Have you ever searched your mind for those moments, those memories that you can’t for the life of you remember. Somehow you always end up with those random moments that are insignificant. There are times like those, when I remember the weirdest things, usually conversations, attitudes, how the trees looked in the fall of 98, weird scents, such as blood, the smell of heat, mold, leaves; the most random things you can think of, I’ve remembered. But all the things I want to remember all seemed to be lost.

I don’t know about anyone else, but as I’m becoming older, I’m so confused on who I am as a person. I am constantly wondering why I act the way I do, say the things I say, why I am the way I am today. The only things I can work from are from my experiences and my life so I’m constantly searching my childhood for answers. I think they’re hidden in there somewhere, somewhere in the subconscious of my mind I think a part of me was unconsciously doing things hoping I would be able to find them later on.

I don’t know, maybe I’m crazy. Maybe I’m just searching for all the impossible answers in all the wrong places. But then it just leaves the question, then where do I look? Where do I start? And both of those questions just add to the many I already have and still leave me without a single answer.

Besides my many random thoughts, I have more questions. I was thinking yesterday, what if someone stopped you and asks you “How is it? How has your life been overall?” Would be happy with your answer? Could you say you loved it, no matter how hard it might have been? Remember it’s not just how it is right now but, everything together. As much as I’d like to think I wouldn’t even have to think about the answer and I’d scream without hesitation “FUCKING AMAZING!”, I know deep down, even if I did, I wouldn’t mean it.