So I've been on this "emotional roller coaster" with my feelings towards leaving high school
and honestly I feel like I'm the only one.
I take back the word "roller coaster." Roller coaster implies that there are up, when in fact this is all downhill slopes.
Mount in itself has been a second home to me. It's been what my life has revolved around for the last six years of my life. It's what I've defined myself by. I was always a student at Mount St. Charles. I was a fan, a friend, a classmate, a student. Now I'm nothing besides an Alumni.
I don't deal well with change and saying that is an understatement.
I hate the fact that the change is more forced than it is voluntary. I'm sure eventually I'll be fine with RIC and don't get me wrong, I'm excited to some extent but it's not the extent that everyone else is, or seems to be.
Its not just leaving the school thats bothering me so much either; it's leaving all my friends. I started balling my eyes out on the way to Hannah's party the other day. Hannah and I aren't even like extremely close but, I think that's why I started crying. There are people like Hannah, Raine, Dan Webb, Lauren, people who I'm friends with but that I don't talk enough too. People that I should be closer with, but because I'm so afraid to open up, we're not. I cried so freaken hard because I realized how much I going to miss everyone. I really honestly love so many, maybe too many, people.
I've become so comfortable and accustom to all my friends and surroundings the thought of leaving all of it is way to much of a shock for me both emotionally and mentally.
I'm fucking attached. I always have been.
And I dont know if you'll understand what I'm talking about when I say this, but I really dont want to leave because everything will "look" and "feel" different when we return. Mount's never going to look the same every again. It'll be a confusing comfort and yet distant feeling all at once. I've already started feeling it. When something isnt your's anymore, it looks funny, it's not the same as you remembered it. Nothings changed, but still somehow it looks different and it doesnt have nearly the same meaning to you as it did before.
That's what school's going to become and the fact that theres nothing that I can do to change it kills me.
It's like watching the dog you've had for over ten years fall ill and theres nothing you can do to help it, but you know and have to accept the fact that it's death is inevitable.
