Tomorrow

so i'm moving in tomorrow
and i want to be there at 9.
which means we have to leave here by 8
which means i have to be up by 6:30
which means should go to bed like now.
AWESOME

Like a pretty bird in the breeze

I move in in FOUR days
i may be freaking out
a little
or maybe a lot

I dont know why

its been two weeks and I dont know why
but i have yet to take the pictures of you and i out of the frames
i dont know if its because i dont care
or if because somewhere im secretly expecting you to run back to me and start up where we left off
either way
tomorrow i'm taking them out and putting new ones
so they can be ready for me to take to school

Happy Belated Birthday

Happy Belated Birthday to me

I'm finally 19

Lets recap what we've learned in the past year

-lost a best friend

-gain new much better friends

-realized the school i was at was nothing i wanted

- gained way to much weight

-found out how to avoid panic attacks

-its okay to admit you need help

-true friends are always going to be there for you

-i have no idea what love is

- i have a low tolerance for attention seeking fuckers

-birthdays are amazing

-lazer hair removal is the most amazing fucking thing in the world

-i can be creative when i want to be

-each and every friendship is a safety blnket for me

-i've become more okay with saying goodbye to bad relationships

-parties without the parents are the best

-as delicious as bologna is, its the fattiest

-salt's going to kill me

-mom doesnt know how to handle problems

-a lot of other things i know

Two days

In two days it'll be my birthday
I have no idea why but, for some reason I'm super excited about it
I'm not even turning an important age
I'm turning fucking 19
wtf is this shit
either way, i'm milking it as much as i can
and i think i more excited about being excited about it than anything else

The fool in me.

“I must learn to love the fool in me – the one who feels too much, talks to much, takes too many chances, wins sometimes and loses often, lacks self-control, loves and hates, hurts and gets hurt, promises and breaks promises, laught and cries. It alone protects me against that utterly self-controlled masterful tyrant whom I also harbor and who would rob me of human aliveness, humility, and dignity but for my fool.”

- From Love me, love my fool: Thoughts from a psychoanalyst’s notebook by Theodore Isaac Rubin

HA!

As somewhat "upset" as it makes me
which really honestly isnt that upset

i cant HELP but smile at the fact that you have stooped as low as to hang out with fucking dick-ass-senno on youre last night here
i'm glad youre finally getting time to spend with your
"REAL" "FRIENDS"

and i hope you enjoy their "companionship"

I'm a war of head versus heart

"Cause I built you a home in my heart

With rotten wood, it decayed from the start

'Cause you can't find nothing at all

If there was nothing there all along

No you can't find nothing at all

If there was nothing there all along"

Last week was, quite honestly, one of the hardest weeks i've ever had to go through

the first four days were unbearable

i honestly thought i was going to have to get medication to become regain some feeling again

but for the past few days

i would describe myself as slightly feeling better

but at the same time

theres this ominous feeling of feeling numb to everything still

I dont know if i could say i miss you at this point

and thinking about you doesn't get me upset anymore,

and seeing pictures of you doesn't upset me either

but

i feel like if i heard or saw that you were happy and content right now

that i could, might and probably would, break down again

As much as i love you and care about you

i feel nothing for you right now

and because of that, i take back saying that i love you

i think i care about you

but hell,

i care about everyone in a little way

everyones telling me that its better this way

and i'm sure it is, and trust me,

that's the only way i could fall asleep after what you said to me

"its better this way, its better this way."

but even now,

i know its only been 5 days

but i still dont know how i feel about it

my life isnt better, and its not any worse