the realization

one of the people i love most in my life never shows or tells me that they love or care about me

I miss this

I hate how being at school makes it impossible to see them

i feel

I feel like there are a lot of things i want or need to talk about but, at the same time, i feel like i really dont want to talk about them at all.

Remember

Remember when we went to Boston?
Remember when you pretended to be a pole dancer?
Remember when we used to study for exams together in my sun porch?
Remember when you'd always steal the big couch?
Remember when we went to Taco Bell and you made me eat hot sauce and we recorded it and I sounded like i was having an orgasm?
Remember the huge parrot in Ocean of Pets who had a sign that said "Hi I'm Sam. I will bite your finger off."
Remember when we went out after Convocation and stuffed our faces with Taco Bell?
Remember Sperm Whales without Wings?
Remember when we went tree tipping in your neighborhood?
Remember when we would hang out in the beds at JCPenny at the mall?
Remember when we had free in 8th grade with Anthony, Annie and Carrie?
Remember when we played lazer tag and the creepiest guys were hitting on Chris?
Remember when Anthony hated everything/everyone?
Oh wait he still does.
Remember when we would spend hours and hours on the phone?
Remember when I got calling cards because I racked the phone bill up?
and that creepy automated lady who would say "One minute remaining..."
Remember when you made me talk dirty to you?
Remember when we were in Mr. Megna's TC and you'd play gameboy during TC?
Remember when we had Mr. Seaver for history?
Remember when Sanback crossed the line?
Remember when we dressed up like losers and went to Subway?
Remember when I scared the shit out of you when I visited you at work?
Remember when we spent over five dollars at that stupid machine and got the maggot?
Remember when you, Curt, Anthony, Senno and I hung out?
Remember when we put coins on the train tracks and they melted?
I still have one of those quarters.
Remember when we walked all the way down the high tension lines near my house?
Remember when I gave you a brush in 8th grade because you loved brushing your hair?
Remember Scranadon and Lumpasaurs?
Remember the millions of nick names we've come up with for each other?
My favorite is "bestest buddie."
Remember when we stalked becky and hailey at softball practice and blasted Britney Spears?
Remember when we spent nearly all of our senior summer together?
Remember "SUMMA O ATE"?
Remember when you'd eat dinner at my house and we'd make fun of how my dad would "attack" his steak and cut it up with so much anger?
Remember when I created snow-pea?
Remember when I got you addicted to my Sega Moses Game?
Remember when I'd kick your ass at poker and you'd get so mad and call it beginners luck?
Remember when we threw you a surprise birthday party and you almost died of shock?
Remember Boy Scout?
Remember when I didn't go to Six Flags and your dad made fun of me?
He still does.
Remember when we spend hours just driving around listening to my sweet mixes?
Remember when we became best friends?
I do.

Mom

people say no mater if you want to or not,
you become your parents when you get older.
the more and more i think about it,
the more and more i'm perfectly okay with it

Tangled

Life is so confusing sometimes.

The Class of 2008

I miss being with people who know me.
Having friends that know and understand how I work and why I act the way I do. Knowing boundaries and understanding just me as a person. People who have been with me through the good and the hard times and have seen me grow and change.
I hate college in that fact.
No one understands what's too far.
No one understands what type of people you really fit in with.

Labels

So I've been on this "emotional roller coaster" with my feelings towards leaving high school
and honestly I feel like I'm the only one.
I take back the word "roller coaster." Roller coaster implies that there are up, when in fact this is all downhill slopes.

Mount in itself has been a second home to me. It's been what my life has revolved around for the last six years of my life. It's what I've defined myself by. I was always a student at Mount St. Charles. I was a fan, a friend, a classmate, a student. Now I'm nothing besides an Alumni.
I don't deal well with change and saying that is an understatement.

I hate the fact that the change is more forced than it is voluntary. I'm sure eventually I'll be fine with RIC and don't get me wrong, I'm excited to some extent but it's not the extent that everyone else is, or seems to be.


Its not just leaving the school thats bothering me so much either; it's leaving all my friends. I started balling my eyes out on the way to Hannah's party the other day. Hannah and I aren't even like extremely close but, I think that's why I started crying. There are people like Hannah, Raine, Dan Webb, Lauren, people who I'm friends with but that I don't talk enough too. People that I should be closer with, but because I'm so afraid to open up, we're not. I cried so freaken hard because I realized how much I going to miss everyone. I really honestly love so many, maybe too many, people.
I've become so comfortable and accustom to all my friends and surroundings the thought of leaving all of it is way to much of a shock for me both emotionally and mentally.

I'm fucking attached. I always have been.

And I dont know if you'll understand what I'm talking about when I say this, but I really dont want to leave because everything will "look" and "feel" different when we return. Mount's never going to look the same every again. It'll be a confusing comfort and yet distant feeling all at once. I've already started feeling it. When something isnt your's anymore, it looks funny, it's not the same as you remembered it. Nothings changed, but still somehow it looks different and it doesnt have nearly the same meaning to you as it did before.

That's what school's going to become and the fact that theres nothing that I can do to change it kills me.
It's like watching the dog you've had for over ten years fall ill and theres nothing you can do to help it, but you know and have to accept the fact that it's death is inevitable.

Half-Hearted

No one ever really listens to what anyone else has to say.
Everyone is just waiting for everyone else to shut up

You hear it in the "Yea's" and the "uh huh's" and understand it with the "..well anyways, WAIT TILL YOU HEAR WHAT HAPPENED TO ME TODAY!"
The only ones who actually listen are those who have given up trying to speak.

Whole without the w

My brother's engaged. He is getting married.
You wouldn't believe how weird that is to say.

I feel so lonely today. I feel so...out of place.
I've been searching my iTunes for all the sappy songs,
hopping to cry just to release all this build up stress.

I've decided that its not a relationship I'm looking for,
or just some hot sex in the kitchen type of thing;
it's just someone who can and will care about me
with as much intensity as i do them.
Someone to hold and to be held by.
To know that all your life you've tried everything and that it didn't work
and then to find something that you know could work
is the scariest thing in the world
i think, i just described a relationship
i'm a hypocrite

college.
the other scariest thing in the world.
i got into johnson and whales somehow without even applying
and received a $5,ooo scholarship per year
to bad I have no interest in following my baking career
I still haven't heard from RIC, which scares the hell out me
am i really that bad of a student where i cant even get into a community college?
i really dont want to answer that.
or even think of that answer.

I got a new camera lens and i'm loving photography more and more
i'm not sure if i could/would choose it over teaching though
i have no idea where i'm headed.

i want to hold you
so badly
so softly
so sweetly
but i'm so scared

what makes a good friend?
is it talks on the telephone late a night
is it just that connection that you have
or the one you tell yourself you have
is it that someone cares about you
or how they show they care about you
is it the countless sleepovers
or the promises they've kept
or the ones you think they've kept
it is the hugs and hellos
or is it just
unexplainable
like everything else in this world

but no matter what you say
i don't consider myself one


the roads have been really bad lately
i got into a minor accident with a wooden barrier down my hill
i slid most of the way down until the car "bounced" off of it and then stoped
if the car hadn't "bounced" off
i would have gone off a slight cliff and hit a major gas line
talk about miracle

i've slid time and time again since then because of our badly plowed hill
but i've come to realize that
i am no where near being ready to die
and it's made me want to write a list of things i want to do before i die
but a part of me refuses to take the time to write them down
because its just way to depressing

i really miss my grandmother.

i feel so empty right now


ps. happy new year diary