Half-Hearted

No one ever really listens to what anyone else has to say.
Everyone is just waiting for everyone else to shut up

You hear it in the "Yea's" and the "uh huh's" and understand it with the "..well anyways, WAIT TILL YOU HEAR WHAT HAPPENED TO ME TODAY!"
The only ones who actually listen are those who have given up trying to speak.

Whole without the w

My brother's engaged. He is getting married.
You wouldn't believe how weird that is to say.

I feel so lonely today. I feel so...out of place.
I've been searching my iTunes for all the sappy songs,
hopping to cry just to release all this build up stress.

I've decided that its not a relationship I'm looking for,
or just some hot sex in the kitchen type of thing;
it's just someone who can and will care about me
with as much intensity as i do them.
Someone to hold and to be held by.
To know that all your life you've tried everything and that it didn't work
and then to find something that you know could work
is the scariest thing in the world
i think, i just described a relationship
i'm a hypocrite

college.
the other scariest thing in the world.
i got into johnson and whales somehow without even applying
and received a $5,ooo scholarship per year
to bad I have no interest in following my baking career
I still haven't heard from RIC, which scares the hell out me
am i really that bad of a student where i cant even get into a community college?
i really dont want to answer that.
or even think of that answer.

I got a new camera lens and i'm loving photography more and more
i'm not sure if i could/would choose it over teaching though
i have no idea where i'm headed.

i want to hold you
so badly
so softly
so sweetly
but i'm so scared

what makes a good friend?
is it talks on the telephone late a night
is it just that connection that you have
or the one you tell yourself you have
is it that someone cares about you
or how they show they care about you
is it the countless sleepovers
or the promises they've kept
or the ones you think they've kept
it is the hugs and hellos
or is it just
unexplainable
like everything else in this world

but no matter what you say
i don't consider myself one


the roads have been really bad lately
i got into a minor accident with a wooden barrier down my hill
i slid most of the way down until the car "bounced" off of it and then stoped
if the car hadn't "bounced" off
i would have gone off a slight cliff and hit a major gas line
talk about miracle

i've slid time and time again since then because of our badly plowed hill
but i've come to realize that
i am no where near being ready to die
and it's made me want to write a list of things i want to do before i die
but a part of me refuses to take the time to write them down
because its just way to depressing

i really miss my grandmother.

i feel so empty right now


ps. happy new year diary

Like This

I want to be free and happy
just like this

My Name Is Jonas

Do you see me,
the way
I see me?
I hope not.

Missed the Boat

"I have written down all the reasons why I am leaving, though I am overcome with a sad strength for the world because I have not spoken to anyone all day. My resignation to being alone is a sea under which I can breathe."
-Snow Falls And Then Disappears-
The Secret Lives of People in Love

Looking Back On It All

Have you ever searched your mind for those moments, those memories that you can’t for the life of you remember. Somehow you always end up with those random moments that are insignificant. There are times like those, when I remember the weirdest things, usually conversations, attitudes, how the trees looked in the fall of 98, weird scents, such as blood, the smell of heat, mold, leaves; the most random things you can think of, I’ve remembered. But all the things I want to remember all seemed to be lost.

I don’t know about anyone else, but as I’m becoming older, I’m so confused on who I am as a person. I am constantly wondering why I act the way I do, say the things I say, why I am the way I am today. The only things I can work from are from my experiences and my life so I’m constantly searching my childhood for answers. I think they’re hidden in there somewhere, somewhere in the subconscious of my mind I think a part of me was unconsciously doing things hoping I would be able to find them later on.

I don’t know, maybe I’m crazy. Maybe I’m just searching for all the impossible answers in all the wrong places. But then it just leaves the question, then where do I look? Where do I start? And both of those questions just add to the many I already have and still leave me without a single answer.

Besides my many random thoughts, I have more questions. I was thinking yesterday, what if someone stopped you and asks you “How is it? How has your life been overall?” Would be happy with your answer? Could you say you loved it, no matter how hard it might have been? Remember it’s not just how it is right now but, everything together. As much as I’d like to think I wouldn’t even have to think about the answer and I’d scream without hesitation “FUCKING AMAZING!”, I know deep down, even if I did, I wouldn’t mean it.

Holding it all together

Ask your self, how do you hold "it" all together and then wait for the answer.

Hit the Switch

" 'Cause theres a switch that gets hit and it all stops making sense
And in the middle of drinks, maybe the fifth or the sixth
I'm completely alone at a table of friends
I feel nothing for them. I feel nothing, nothing"

Dealing

In English we're learning how when you subconsciously don't want to deal with stress, problems or things that are just to unbearable for you to handle you have defense mechanisms that hide those feelings and thoughts from you. One is called Undoing, where you feel one thing but unknowing do the opposite of what you really feel. Its to bad I already do that consciously.

Anything but here

If you could stop time, would you?
There are plenty of times in my life when I'd just like to snap my fingers and make everything stop and just go away. But that is unfortunately not possible. Life does not stop for anyone, for anything, for any reason. Even though, I wish it would