100thpost.

Knowing this was going to be my 100th post I had been putting it off from a while

It couldn't have been just any post.

it had to be something important

Today was something important.

Today I attend Felicia's grandmother's funeral

As I parked in the church parking lot and saw the hearse I tried to remember the last funeral I had been to.

The only one that came to mind was my own grandmother's funeral.

Unable to get that image out of my mind,

the funeral was extremely emotionally hard on me

Besides the pastoral hymns and readings

Towards the end of the service

they asked friends and family members to come up

and say their favorite memory of the deceased

Every time a family member stood up to tell a story or a memory

all I saw was one of my aunts or uncles, or my mother standing up there.

It was like my grandmother had died all over again,

13 years later.

One friend of the family that stood up stated that

we shouldn't be mourning her death

but celebrating her life.

I must say,

that is not the first time I've heard that statement

I also have to say that

even after 13 years,

celebrating a life seems like a impossible task.

A women I hardly knew

compared to my cousins, older brother and her children

died for a second time today after 13 years.

I was 7 when she died the first time, I am 19 now.

I miss you Memére.

365

I'm doing a 365 project.

considering it kinda acts as a photo diary,

I'm not sure if I'll be posting here for a while.

http://www.rebz.org/c365/

you

you always know the right things to say

although i didnt eat dinner today,

i wasnt hungry

because my stomach was full of butterflies

i also cant wipe this smile off my face

=)

click click tap tap

i have four more

three, counting this one

till my 100th post

i feel like thats an accomplishment

as i was talking to john on facebook chat tonight

i realized how quite it was in my room

and how all i can hear is the sound of myself typing on the keys

click click tap tap

i wonder if all conversations will turn into this

if human interaction will turn into a non verbal communication

its really kinda of depressing when you think about it

i'd miss a lot of things

like laughter

the tone of voices

sarcasm

anger even,

though i'm sure caps lock would have that

ALL UNDER CONTROL.

Dark Chocolate

It'll solve everything

expect diabetes

?

As i went to go and title this entry hatred

i spelt it wrong

and when looking it up in the dictionary, got halter

and this lovely picture.

also

i'm pretty sure my when i woke up this morning

my uterus just decided it was going to hate me.

poem.

in the winter i miss the thunder.

in the spring i miss being able to breathe.

in the summer i miss the snow.

and in the fall

i miss you.

Murphy's Oil Soap

I had a dream about you and Anna last night

I remember, I think, I almost starting crying in the dream because you were hugging me

over and over again

maybe its not something i'm supposed to mourn over

but instead realize how fucked it is that you never would have done that

ever

Tradgey

http://www.projo.com/news/content/WARWICK_FIRE_9_02-09-10_T4HD44R_v9.3a6437d.html

The fire in Warkwick has effected me more than i thought

lovely bones.

Tonight after hanging out with cilla, nick, and tom

and listening to them all reminisce

all i could think about was you

and how everywhere we passed

i once sat there with you

in a car or walking or something

we had done something there

made a memory

and tonight they just all consumed me

and ate away at me

but

i'm not crying

i'm not angry

i just miss you

but i know i'll get over it tomorrow

and i'll go on like every other day

and i'm beginning to see that this is how everyone else lives the rest of their lives

and it gives me hope that maybe one day

i wont miss you

i wont wish we were best friends again

i wont wish for any of that

i'll just move on

and be content

and i wont want to call you

and tell you that i said by because i loved you

that you wouldn't have understood how every little thing you did hurt me 100 times more than it should of

that i never stopped liking you, loving you, wanting you

that i knew i could never truly be happy or get over you without saying goodbye

because in all honesty

i know you don't really care why I said goodbye

why i told you i couldnt be friends with you anymore

all you know and feel is that you utterly hate me for hurting you and not giving you an explanation

and you dont even want one now

because youve moved on

and youve made that quite clear

and so i will too

and i'll get to that point where

i'll just be content.