Devastated

all this is only worth a C+

Fucking PISSED

HONESTLY,
YOU'RE GOING TO TEXT ME BACK WITH
"thanks for the birthday wishes. but for god sakes, stop calling and hanging up with a restricted number. its weird and stupid."

WE HAVEN'T TALKED IN OVER A MONTH
AND THAT'S WHAT YOU SAY TO ME
ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS
NOT TO MENTION I ONLY DID THAT ONCE
NOT TO MENTION I DON'T NEED TO EXPLAIN MYSELF TO YOU
NOT TO MENTION THE WHOLE POINT OF IT WAS SO YOU WOULDN'T CALL ME BACK
NOT TO MENTION
its obvious you haven't changed a bit
its obvious you still piss me off to no end
its obvious we're never going to be friends again
fuck you fucker


i'm just so pissed i texted you back in my drunken state of sleep
"well then you tell me what you want"
wtf nicole marie carriere
do you just let everyone walk all over you?
FUCK YOU FUCKER

waste of paint.

"hi.
so i know your birthday's tomorrow but i figured id call today.
so anyways happy early birthday.

i'm sorry things ended the way they did

i've been thinking about you
and
i hope that everything is going well for you
and continues to go well for you.
happy early birthday again."



i just want you to know i'm thinking about you
and that maybe you're thinking about me too.

freaking the fuck out.

I'm freaking the fuck out.
i want to call you
i am going to call you
i don't know when to call you
i'm mad nervous right now.
i think i'll call you at 3.
maybe.
maybe i'll call you right now.
i dont know.

Ano

I've made some extremely hard and life changing decisions
in the last year
but,
id like to think
they're for the better.

NyQuil

I'm sick
and drugged up on NyQuil
and i'm listening to Bright Eyes
and I wish I wasnt sick
and I have to write a paper
and a lot of other things
but I have tomorrow and Monday to them too
but I dont want to put them to the last minute
I just wanna feel better and not be sick

my head hurts





last night i had a dream about you.
justin daniel dorsheimer,
i missed you yesterday
i wonder if you ever miss me
i wonder if you ever think of me
i hope all is well with you
and your life is just like you wanted

amazing

live, laugh, fuck you♥

I saw that today and burst out laughing
its just purely amazing

Tomorrow

so i'm moving in tomorrow
and i want to be there at 9.
which means we have to leave here by 8
which means i have to be up by 6:30
which means should go to bed like now.
AWESOME

Like a pretty bird in the breeze

I move in in FOUR days
i may be freaking out
a little
or maybe a lot

I dont know why

its been two weeks and I dont know why
but i have yet to take the pictures of you and i out of the frames
i dont know if its because i dont care
or if because somewhere im secretly expecting you to run back to me and start up where we left off
either way
tomorrow i'm taking them out and putting new ones
so they can be ready for me to take to school

Happy Belated Birthday

Happy Belated Birthday to me

I'm finally 19

Lets recap what we've learned in the past year

-lost a best friend

-gain new much better friends

-realized the school i was at was nothing i wanted

- gained way to much weight

-found out how to avoid panic attacks

-its okay to admit you need help

-true friends are always going to be there for you

-i have no idea what love is

- i have a low tolerance for attention seeking fuckers

-birthdays are amazing

-lazer hair removal is the most amazing fucking thing in the world

-i can be creative when i want to be

-each and every friendship is a safety blnket for me

-i've become more okay with saying goodbye to bad relationships

-parties without the parents are the best

-as delicious as bologna is, its the fattiest

-salt's going to kill me

-mom doesnt know how to handle problems

-a lot of other things i know

Two days

In two days it'll be my birthday
I have no idea why but, for some reason I'm super excited about it
I'm not even turning an important age
I'm turning fucking 19
wtf is this shit
either way, i'm milking it as much as i can
and i think i more excited about being excited about it than anything else

The fool in me.

“I must learn to love the fool in me – the one who feels too much, talks to much, takes too many chances, wins sometimes and loses often, lacks self-control, loves and hates, hurts and gets hurt, promises and breaks promises, laught and cries. It alone protects me against that utterly self-controlled masterful tyrant whom I also harbor and who would rob me of human aliveness, humility, and dignity but for my fool.”

- From Love me, love my fool: Thoughts from a psychoanalyst’s notebook by Theodore Isaac Rubin

HA!

As somewhat "upset" as it makes me
which really honestly isnt that upset

i cant HELP but smile at the fact that you have stooped as low as to hang out with fucking dick-ass-senno on youre last night here
i'm glad youre finally getting time to spend with your
"REAL" "FRIENDS"

and i hope you enjoy their "companionship"

I'm a war of head versus heart

"Cause I built you a home in my heart

With rotten wood, it decayed from the start

'Cause you can't find nothing at all

If there was nothing there all along

No you can't find nothing at all

If there was nothing there all along"

Last week was, quite honestly, one of the hardest weeks i've ever had to go through

the first four days were unbearable

i honestly thought i was going to have to get medication to become regain some feeling again

but for the past few days

i would describe myself as slightly feeling better

but at the same time

theres this ominous feeling of feeling numb to everything still

I dont know if i could say i miss you at this point

and thinking about you doesn't get me upset anymore,

and seeing pictures of you doesn't upset me either

but

i feel like if i heard or saw that you were happy and content right now

that i could, might and probably would, break down again

As much as i love you and care about you

i feel nothing for you right now

and because of that, i take back saying that i love you

i think i care about you

but hell,

i care about everyone in a little way

everyones telling me that its better this way

and i'm sure it is, and trust me,

that's the only way i could fall asleep after what you said to me

"its better this way, its better this way."

but even now,

i know its only been 5 days

but i still dont know how i feel about it

my life isnt better, and its not any worse

empty.

i'm so empty.
i'm so lost.

goodbye July.
August, please, bring me happiness.

best.two.hours.ever.

i just went swiming
for the first time all summer

i feel so amazing and clean and fresh and at peace right now

i swear i was a mermaid in a former life.

Lately.

Lately,

I feel like I dont know myself anymore.
Lately,
I feel like no one knows me anymore.

I cant sleep.
and then i'm so tired during the day
but i'm bored out of my mind
and i feel trapped staying at home.

I cant eat.
well i dont feel like eating anymore
i've lost my appetite.
I dont know what to do anymore
and as much as i feel like i want to be secluded from everyone and everything
theres a part of me that feel like i needed to be surrounded by everyone and everything

i dont know what i want anymore
i hate everything and everyone one minute
and then the next i'm indifferent to the point where it confuses me

Things, in the dark

I need to write more

I've been finding myself often thinking about so many things and realizing i just need to get them out of my head and onto this stupid keyboard.

As of right now i'm sitting in my sun porch in the dark with more than half of the windows open, just listening to the rustling trees, rain and the distant thunderstorm that seems to be approaching my house.

To be honest, I'm a tad bit scared of something jumping, screaming, making a loud sound and scaring the fuck out of me.

but non the less i'm putting myself through it.

i'm tens times more aware of my surrounds though, i'll tell you that.

it's weird

sometimes, like now, when i sit and type here

i forget everything thats been bothering me that i want to write about

I watched a Walk to Remember tonight

made me cry

like always

It made me wish you loved me like i love you

then i got up and retold myself for the umpteenth time

thats never going to happen

I was trying to think about what i'm going to do with you

what i'm going to do about us

how to tell you

how to explain it

and i still dont know how

i dont even know what to say about any of it

or even if i should

i felt SO weird around you

i felt different,

almost more confident for some reason

but

most of all i think i dont know what to do because i really didnt feel anything

i wasnt excited, i wasnt sad, i wasnt mad, angry, or even happy

i wasnt anything

i was indifferent

i dont feel like writing anymore.

Let it out.

dear life lately,

you can go fuck yourself.

theres hasnt been a moment lately when i'm not thinking about something 

and not only does it scare me to death, its extremely mentally exhausting 

so i'm just gonna go through the little, medium and big things that have been bothering me

- I'm so fucking glad that you got to/made effort to see all you "great, amazing" friends before you left. OH and i love the fact that the people you did make an effort to see are the ones that don't give a flying shit about you either. OH and maybe the fact that I'm actually the only one whos there, listening and there to help you at the drop of a hat, and you didnt make time for me. Thats awesome. I'm so glad I value our friendship so much. Better yet, I'm so glad YOU value our friendship so much. fuck you.

-i dont understand why you brought her to the party. better yet, i dont get why you didnt ask if she could come, better yet i dont get why you didnt ask me period. better yet, i dont get why you dont answer my text messages ever. i dont know whats up with you, but you've changed. 

- so i was thinking on the ride home from the movie theater tonight that i have no idea what i'm going to do with you and i. but, i did come to the conclusion that i'm not okay with what i have and do put you through. I cant take the idea of me being "that" person who changes you. I know you do and act a certain type of differently around me because of our history and i get that, i understand that. but i feel like the more and more i stick around, the more and more you get accustom to acting that way around me, which turns into a habit type thing and then you'll just start acting that way around everyone. I love you and i feel like if i stick around much longer, i'll be a reason why you'll be going to shrink later on in life.

- i miss living at school. and i miss my roommates. no matter how dysfunctional we were

- i still think about you. and i still struggle with my feelings for you. but, then i just remind myself how much of an attention whore you are, how bad your breath was, and how horrible a kisser you were and then i'm okay. 

=)

- i know i said it already but, i love you. 

and i mean it .

The New & Improved All-In-One-Fix It!!!

As I sat in my car at 12am in the McDonald's drive-through, waiting for my medium iced water so i could take the two Tylenol pills for my massive headache, i stared blankly at the monotonous red bricks that adorned the outside of the building and thought to myself.

"Monotony."

Our lives have become monotonous.
We have surcomed to the "NEW AND IMPROVED" idea of life
How much of our lives are based around the ideas of "FAST" "INSTANT" "QUICK"
Everything from fast food, to drive-thrus, to photos in seconds instead of one hour, to fast acting medication, and escalators

Everything else that actually takes "time" becomes a chore.

please, stop and take time to enjoy this life.

Happy Fathers Day Daddy

Left out.

I hate being left out

it's the worst feeling ever.
and because of that, i'm always extremely afraid i'm going to be
or , are more than i think

hope you and all your friends had a super awesome time going out to eat for your birthday
so glad i was invited

Lips

I realized today as i watched myself sing in the mirror while driving
I am obsessed and completely narcissistic when it comes to my lips.
I honestly think that they are the most beautiful part of my body,
besides my eyes.

seriously.
I'm so fucked up.

Torn

"I know how that is, it's the most difficult thing in the world

because youre close enough

that you keep hope

but then you realize

well...fuck this isn't going to happen

but you don't want to give it up

because it'll just feel even worse

not being friends"

-Brendan

better

I feel much better now.
=)

NOT EVEN A LITTLE BIT.

TO "YOU"

NO ONE LIKES YOU. NOT EVEN A LITTLE BIT.
YOURE STUPID AND SMELLY AND GROSS
AND A HORRIBLE KISSER
AND YES, YOU ARE A LONER. A LONER WITH NO FRIENDS
AND NO I WILL NOT PROVE YOU WRONG BY JOINING YOUR STUPID FUCKING GROUP
BECAUSE YOU'RE AN ATTENTION FUCKING WHORE.

Naked

As much as I'd hate to admit it,
you being naked almost 24/7
made me feel more comfortable my sexuality
I'll never thank you for this in person though
that'd be wayyyy to weird.

Falling Apart

Do you honestly even know me anymore?

I can, will and do always care, worry, and think about you.
So tell me why you cant, wont and dont.
and then explain to me on that basis, why are we still friends.
or more importantly,
why am i'm sticking around waiting for someone
who doesnt care about me in the least.

I am always going to love and care about you
but
I really dont think i can do this anymore.

Pondering

things i'm beginning to realize i believe in
never change for anyone
dont settle for anyone
people who hurt you arent your soul mates
your friends will always change
everyone has a purpose/calling

things i'm pondering
is love settling?
is sex always everything in a relationship?
could you really be okay with spending the rest of your life with one person?

things i know
i hate tom for making me question everything i believed in

the realization

one of the people i love most in my life never shows or tells me that they love or care about me

I miss this

I hate how being at school makes it impossible to see them

i feel

I feel like there are a lot of things i want or need to talk about but, at the same time, i feel like i really dont want to talk about them at all.

Remember

Remember when we went to Boston?
Remember when you pretended to be a pole dancer?
Remember when we used to study for exams together in my sun porch?
Remember when you'd always steal the big couch?
Remember when we went to Taco Bell and you made me eat hot sauce and we recorded it and I sounded like i was having an orgasm?
Remember the huge parrot in Ocean of Pets who had a sign that said "Hi I'm Sam. I will bite your finger off."
Remember when we went out after Convocation and stuffed our faces with Taco Bell?
Remember Sperm Whales without Wings?
Remember when we went tree tipping in your neighborhood?
Remember when we would hang out in the beds at JCPenny at the mall?
Remember when we had free in 8th grade with Anthony, Annie and Carrie?
Remember when we played lazer tag and the creepiest guys were hitting on Chris?
Remember when Anthony hated everything/everyone?
Oh wait he still does.
Remember when we would spend hours and hours on the phone?
Remember when I got calling cards because I racked the phone bill up?
and that creepy automated lady who would say "One minute remaining..."
Remember when you made me talk dirty to you?
Remember when we were in Mr. Megna's TC and you'd play gameboy during TC?
Remember when we had Mr. Seaver for history?
Remember when Sanback crossed the line?
Remember when we dressed up like losers and went to Subway?
Remember when I scared the shit out of you when I visited you at work?
Remember when we spent over five dollars at that stupid machine and got the maggot?
Remember when you, Curt, Anthony, Senno and I hung out?
Remember when we put coins on the train tracks and they melted?
I still have one of those quarters.
Remember when we walked all the way down the high tension lines near my house?
Remember when I gave you a brush in 8th grade because you loved brushing your hair?
Remember Scranadon and Lumpasaurs?
Remember the millions of nick names we've come up with for each other?
My favorite is "bestest buddie."
Remember when we stalked becky and hailey at softball practice and blasted Britney Spears?
Remember when we spent nearly all of our senior summer together?
Remember "SUMMA O ATE"?
Remember when you'd eat dinner at my house and we'd make fun of how my dad would "attack" his steak and cut it up with so much anger?
Remember when I created snow-pea?
Remember when I got you addicted to my Sega Moses Game?
Remember when I'd kick your ass at poker and you'd get so mad and call it beginners luck?
Remember when we threw you a surprise birthday party and you almost died of shock?
Remember Boy Scout?
Remember when I didn't go to Six Flags and your dad made fun of me?
He still does.
Remember when we spend hours just driving around listening to my sweet mixes?
Remember when we became best friends?
I do.

Mom

people say no mater if you want to or not,
you become your parents when you get older.
the more and more i think about it,
the more and more i'm perfectly okay with it

Tangled

Life is so confusing sometimes.