empty.

i'm so empty.
i'm so lost.

goodbye July.
August, please, bring me happiness.

best.two.hours.ever.

i just went swiming
for the first time all summer

i feel so amazing and clean and fresh and at peace right now

i swear i was a mermaid in a former life.

Lately.

Lately,

I feel like I dont know myself anymore.
Lately,
I feel like no one knows me anymore.

I cant sleep.
and then i'm so tired during the day
but i'm bored out of my mind
and i feel trapped staying at home.

I cant eat.
well i dont feel like eating anymore
i've lost my appetite.
I dont know what to do anymore
and as much as i feel like i want to be secluded from everyone and everything
theres a part of me that feel like i needed to be surrounded by everyone and everything

i dont know what i want anymore
i hate everything and everyone one minute
and then the next i'm indifferent to the point where it confuses me

Things, in the dark

I need to write more

I've been finding myself often thinking about so many things and realizing i just need to get them out of my head and onto this stupid keyboard.

As of right now i'm sitting in my sun porch in the dark with more than half of the windows open, just listening to the rustling trees, rain and the distant thunderstorm that seems to be approaching my house.

To be honest, I'm a tad bit scared of something jumping, screaming, making a loud sound and scaring the fuck out of me.

but non the less i'm putting myself through it.

i'm tens times more aware of my surrounds though, i'll tell you that.

it's weird

sometimes, like now, when i sit and type here

i forget everything thats been bothering me that i want to write about

I watched a Walk to Remember tonight

made me cry

like always

It made me wish you loved me like i love you

then i got up and retold myself for the umpteenth time

thats never going to happen

I was trying to think about what i'm going to do with you

what i'm going to do about us

how to tell you

how to explain it

and i still dont know how

i dont even know what to say about any of it

or even if i should

i felt SO weird around you

i felt different,

almost more confident for some reason

but

most of all i think i dont know what to do because i really didnt feel anything

i wasnt excited, i wasnt sad, i wasnt mad, angry, or even happy

i wasnt anything

i was indifferent

i dont feel like writing anymore.

Let it out.

dear life lately,

you can go fuck yourself.

theres hasnt been a moment lately when i'm not thinking about something 

and not only does it scare me to death, its extremely mentally exhausting 

so i'm just gonna go through the little, medium and big things that have been bothering me

- I'm so fucking glad that you got to/made effort to see all you "great, amazing" friends before you left. OH and i love the fact that the people you did make an effort to see are the ones that don't give a flying shit about you either. OH and maybe the fact that I'm actually the only one whos there, listening and there to help you at the drop of a hat, and you didnt make time for me. Thats awesome. I'm so glad I value our friendship so much. Better yet, I'm so glad YOU value our friendship so much. fuck you.

-i dont understand why you brought her to the party. better yet, i dont get why you didnt ask if she could come, better yet i dont get why you didnt ask me period. better yet, i dont get why you dont answer my text messages ever. i dont know whats up with you, but you've changed. 

- so i was thinking on the ride home from the movie theater tonight that i have no idea what i'm going to do with you and i. but, i did come to the conclusion that i'm not okay with what i have and do put you through. I cant take the idea of me being "that" person who changes you. I know you do and act a certain type of differently around me because of our history and i get that, i understand that. but i feel like the more and more i stick around, the more and more you get accustom to acting that way around me, which turns into a habit type thing and then you'll just start acting that way around everyone. I love you and i feel like if i stick around much longer, i'll be a reason why you'll be going to shrink later on in life.

- i miss living at school. and i miss my roommates. no matter how dysfunctional we were

- i still think about you. and i still struggle with my feelings for you. but, then i just remind myself how much of an attention whore you are, how bad your breath was, and how horrible a kisser you were and then i'm okay. 

=)

- i know i said it already but, i love you. 

and i mean it .