Happy Belated Birthday

Happy Belated Birthday to me

I'm finally 19

Lets recap what we've learned in the past year

-lost a best friend

-gain new much better friends

-realized the school i was at was nothing i wanted

- gained way to much weight

-found out how to avoid panic attacks

-its okay to admit you need help

-true friends are always going to be there for you

-i have no idea what love is

- i have a low tolerance for attention seeking fuckers

-birthdays are amazing

-lazer hair removal is the most amazing fucking thing in the world

-i can be creative when i want to be

-each and every friendship is a safety blnket for me

-i've become more okay with saying goodbye to bad relationships

-parties without the parents are the best

-as delicious as bologna is, its the fattiest

-salt's going to kill me

-mom doesnt know how to handle problems

-a lot of other things i know

Two days

In two days it'll be my birthday
I have no idea why but, for some reason I'm super excited about it
I'm not even turning an important age
I'm turning fucking 19
wtf is this shit
either way, i'm milking it as much as i can
and i think i more excited about being excited about it than anything else

The fool in me.

“I must learn to love the fool in me – the one who feels too much, talks to much, takes too many chances, wins sometimes and loses often, lacks self-control, loves and hates, hurts and gets hurt, promises and breaks promises, laught and cries. It alone protects me against that utterly self-controlled masterful tyrant whom I also harbor and who would rob me of human aliveness, humility, and dignity but for my fool.”

- From Love me, love my fool: Thoughts from a psychoanalyst’s notebook by Theodore Isaac Rubin

HA!

As somewhat "upset" as it makes me
which really honestly isnt that upset

i cant HELP but smile at the fact that you have stooped as low as to hang out with fucking dick-ass-senno on youre last night here
i'm glad youre finally getting time to spend with your
"REAL" "FRIENDS"

and i hope you enjoy their "companionship"

I'm a war of head versus heart

"Cause I built you a home in my heart

With rotten wood, it decayed from the start

'Cause you can't find nothing at all

If there was nothing there all along

No you can't find nothing at all

If there was nothing there all along"

Last week was, quite honestly, one of the hardest weeks i've ever had to go through

the first four days were unbearable

i honestly thought i was going to have to get medication to become regain some feeling again

but for the past few days

i would describe myself as slightly feeling better

but at the same time

theres this ominous feeling of feeling numb to everything still

I dont know if i could say i miss you at this point

and thinking about you doesn't get me upset anymore,

and seeing pictures of you doesn't upset me either

but

i feel like if i heard or saw that you were happy and content right now

that i could, might and probably would, break down again

As much as i love you and care about you

i feel nothing for you right now

and because of that, i take back saying that i love you

i think i care about you

but hell,

i care about everyone in a little way

everyones telling me that its better this way

and i'm sure it is, and trust me,

that's the only way i could fall asleep after what you said to me

"its better this way, its better this way."

but even now,

i know its only been 5 days

but i still dont know how i feel about it

my life isnt better, and its not any worse

empty.

i'm so empty.
i'm so lost.

goodbye July.
August, please, bring me happiness.

best.two.hours.ever.

i just went swiming
for the first time all summer

i feel so amazing and clean and fresh and at peace right now

i swear i was a mermaid in a former life.

Lately.

Lately,

I feel like I dont know myself anymore.
Lately,
I feel like no one knows me anymore.

I cant sleep.
and then i'm so tired during the day
but i'm bored out of my mind
and i feel trapped staying at home.

I cant eat.
well i dont feel like eating anymore
i've lost my appetite.
I dont know what to do anymore
and as much as i feel like i want to be secluded from everyone and everything
theres a part of me that feel like i needed to be surrounded by everyone and everything

i dont know what i want anymore
i hate everything and everyone one minute
and then the next i'm indifferent to the point where it confuses me

Things, in the dark

I need to write more

I've been finding myself often thinking about so many things and realizing i just need to get them out of my head and onto this stupid keyboard.

As of right now i'm sitting in my sun porch in the dark with more than half of the windows open, just listening to the rustling trees, rain and the distant thunderstorm that seems to be approaching my house.

To be honest, I'm a tad bit scared of something jumping, screaming, making a loud sound and scaring the fuck out of me.

but non the less i'm putting myself through it.

i'm tens times more aware of my surrounds though, i'll tell you that.

it's weird

sometimes, like now, when i sit and type here

i forget everything thats been bothering me that i want to write about

I watched a Walk to Remember tonight

made me cry

like always

It made me wish you loved me like i love you

then i got up and retold myself for the umpteenth time

thats never going to happen

I was trying to think about what i'm going to do with you

what i'm going to do about us

how to tell you

how to explain it

and i still dont know how

i dont even know what to say about any of it

or even if i should

i felt SO weird around you

i felt different,

almost more confident for some reason

but

most of all i think i dont know what to do because i really didnt feel anything

i wasnt excited, i wasnt sad, i wasnt mad, angry, or even happy

i wasnt anything

i was indifferent

i dont feel like writing anymore.

Let it out.

dear life lately,

you can go fuck yourself.

theres hasnt been a moment lately when i'm not thinking about something 

and not only does it scare me to death, its extremely mentally exhausting 

so i'm just gonna go through the little, medium and big things that have been bothering me

- I'm so fucking glad that you got to/made effort to see all you "great, amazing" friends before you left. OH and i love the fact that the people you did make an effort to see are the ones that don't give a flying shit about you either. OH and maybe the fact that I'm actually the only one whos there, listening and there to help you at the drop of a hat, and you didnt make time for me. Thats awesome. I'm so glad I value our friendship so much. Better yet, I'm so glad YOU value our friendship so much. fuck you.

-i dont understand why you brought her to the party. better yet, i dont get why you didnt ask if she could come, better yet i dont get why you didnt ask me period. better yet, i dont get why you dont answer my text messages ever. i dont know whats up with you, but you've changed. 

- so i was thinking on the ride home from the movie theater tonight that i have no idea what i'm going to do with you and i. but, i did come to the conclusion that i'm not okay with what i have and do put you through. I cant take the idea of me being "that" person who changes you. I know you do and act a certain type of differently around me because of our history and i get that, i understand that. but i feel like the more and more i stick around, the more and more you get accustom to acting that way around me, which turns into a habit type thing and then you'll just start acting that way around everyone. I love you and i feel like if i stick around much longer, i'll be a reason why you'll be going to shrink later on in life.

- i miss living at school. and i miss my roommates. no matter how dysfunctional we were

- i still think about you. and i still struggle with my feelings for you. but, then i just remind myself how much of an attention whore you are, how bad your breath was, and how horrible a kisser you were and then i'm okay. 

=)

- i know i said it already but, i love you. 

and i mean it .